The sunlight shown through the curtain cascading its way up the bed and right into my face. I opened my eyes staring into his beautiful face. There was no denying it. I love this man. More than life itself. I continued to stare at him noticing that his leg was lying on top of mine. This man was so sensitive. This man. His freshly shave head, perfect nose, light brown body and gorgeous juicy lips. I couldn’t help it. I leaned in and kissed him. He woke with a smile.
“Hey baby,” I said in the sexiest voice possible.
“Hey”
I laid my head on his chest as he turned over on his back and wrapped his great big muscle arms around me. I can’t believe how safe and comfortable I feel in his arms. He kissed the top of my head, wild hair from the night before, and squeezed me tighter. This man.
“Danielle,” he said.
“Yes baby,” I said back.
“Danielle,” he said again.
I rose from his chest and looked at him.
“What Baby?”
“Danielle.”
I opened my eyes to my reality. My sister was standing in front of my bed fully dressed, looking down at me.
“Girl you better get up if you want to be to work on time,” she said.
“Darn,” I whispered with a sigh.
I dragged my butt out of bed thinking about the dream wishing it was a reality. Ashlynn was in the bathroom doing her hair in her normal old lawyer bun. I stumbled behind her turning on the curling iron and taking the wrap off my head.
“What time are you off work?” Ashlynn asked.
“I dreamed about him again,” I said ignoring her question.
She dropped her arms and looked at me with those pity eyes through the mirror. “Girl, you need to let him go.”
“I can’t help who I dream about.”
“True, but what you dream about is what you’re feeling subconsciously. It’s been too long for you to still feel this way. Richard has been dead for 2 years. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”
I didn’t say anything. I knew she was right. Too much of my life has been spent dreaming and wishing. Wanting things to be different but how do you forget the one you lost? The one you promised to love forever. The one life that made you feel complete when you were with them.
I grabbed the comb and began to comb through the black puff on my head. My mind did nothing but race back to the time when he and I never strayed from each other. We’d been married for years but it only seemed like months. He called everyday at the same time to check on me and see how my day was going. It would make me smile to see his number. Everything he did made me smile. The last time I spoke to him he was just leaving work. I was getting ready because we had a dinner date, but it kept getting later and later. He’d never done anything like this before.
I called his phone but there was no answer. I became extremely worried not knowing what to expect or what to do. Two hours later my phone rang. It was the call I’ll never forget.
There was a terrible accident on the interstate. A car had collided with a semi truck. Both of the drivers died. I had to go to the hospital and claim the body. I prayed and prayed the entire drive to the hospital, hoping that it wasn’t him. It couldn’t be. Not my Richard.
A nurse met me at the doors and walked me to a window. They already had the person covered up in a crisp white sheet. It still had the creases in it from being folded.
I looked at the doctor and nodded as tears began to swell up in my eyes. I was crying before I was even sure it was him. I guess my soul knew. I was standing there waiting to see the face of a man that I wasn’t sure was my husband, but it’d felt as if a part of me was dead. As if I’d lost half myself; so I guess in a way my soul did know.
As the doctor pulled back the sheet it felt as if I’d stepped out of myself and I was watching me watch the doctor pull back the sheet. I watched myself as the face was revealed and my entire body went limp. I watched as I crumbled to the floor unable to feel my legs. I watched as cries beyond pain, beyond hurt, beyond understanding shot out of me as an emotion I wasn’t sure of how to express. Questions flooded my head. Reality seemed unmatched and unattainable. Assurance was gone and anything that made sense no longer existed.
This was my love. This was my soul mate. He was a being who didn’t deserve this. He and I were us but with him gone I’m just I now.
The smell of burning grease on the curling iron brought me back to reality. I shook my head as my eyes focused on the one starring in the mirror. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to hurt. One day you’ll be happy, but deal with this feeling first. I repeat these words daily. They help me get through the days when all I can think about is how much I miss you.
