Saturday, February 23, 2013

Natural Fool


“This is why you don’t marry someone just because they have a few strokes that make your toes curl,” Janel said as she sat across from Melody scooping vanilla ice cream into her mouth.
“For your information, I didn’t know how good his sex was until after we were married, but I know what you mean,” Melody replied. She starred at her ice cream, not eating it, just placing it on her spoon and then tilting her spoon to watch the dessert slide down the metal and clump back into the dish. “And honestly J, I’m not in the mood for I told you so’s. The annulment just became final today. This is supposed to be my annulment party!”
“This is a sad party. We’re at a college diner, eating ice cream.”
Melody shook her head. “How do you celebrate a desolvement of a marriage? Especially mine? I’m only doing it because a lady at work said I should. She said it’ll make me feel better.”
“Do you feel better?”
“Girl, no! I don’t. I’m pissed. I don’t understand how someone can be so conniving; so vindictive. You don’t play with someone’s heart like that!”
Janel shook her head but she remained quiet. She knew Melody needed this venting session, even though she’d already heard these words before.
“You know the fool tried to get half of everything I own?”
“After four in a half months of marriage?”
“Yes, and was dead pressed toward it.”
“I thought you had him sign a pre-nuptial thingy.”
“No,” Melody sighed. “He talked me out of it saying that I should trust him and that he loved me not my money.”
“He didn’t get anything did he?”
“Not much, thank God. The judge dismissed that request but then he tried to say that I should pay spousal support.”
“What!” Janel’s voice raised an entire octave.
“Yeah, I know. I picked a good one. Luckily, the judge dismissed that too. I’m glad she was a woman because a man probably would’ve granted these ridiculous requests.”
“Hmph,” Janel said unsure if she should make a comment.
“He did get me though.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have to pay for the annulment, his court and lawyer fees, and his moving expenses."
“What! You’re kidding.”
Melody shook her head. Emotionless. Eyes glued to her now soupy ice cream.
“The judge really said that?”
Melody nodded.
“But he's the one who requested the annulment, behind your back.” Janel objected
“I was nothing to him. I should’ve known too,” she chuckled and shook her head in disbelief. “First of all, it was Friday when I met him so he musta just got paid or something because he was flashy. Had on more jewelry than me. I was headed to the bank downtown and it’s crazy because I know when I pulled up to the parking meter the car behind me was already there. Do you know what this man did?”
“What?”
“He pretended as if he was paying the meter for that car. It was a black Mercedes. I’ll never forget it because I instantly thought that is a nice car.”
“How do you know he pretended?”
“Because when we were together I never once seen that car and after we were married he told me that he sold it, and then asked to borrow mine all the time. If that really was your car and the only car you had, why in the world would you sell it? Seriously though? And I almost bought him a car."
“Dang girl.”
“And, if you have such a great job how come you never go to it or you have the day off but I never really see any money from this wonderful job and you can’t give me a company name because of some lame excuse I know you made up.”
“So Girl, why did you marry him?”
Melody shrugged. “I was in love. I seriously looked past the lies and dumbness because he had the potential to be more.”
“You can’t fall in love with potential.”
“I know. I know,” Melody buried her face in her hands and let out an audible sigh. “I am sucha fool,” she said removing her hands from her face and going back to playing in her ice cream. The two sat quiet for a while. Janel starred at her empty bowl unsure of anything to say. She wanted to comfort Melody but she didn’t know how and she didn't want to upset her more.
“I was nothing but a meal ticket to him,” Melody finally said dropping her spoon and sitting back in her seat crossing her arms over her chest.
Her frustration had mounted to its peak. How could she let this happen? To her? She knew it happened to other women but never would it happen to her, at least it wasn’t supposed to. She was smarter than this. She’d actually been taken advantage of at this age. An age when peer pressure, dorm room dares, and midnight creeps were behind her. She was an adult.
Janel studied Melody. Lines were forged across her forehead and her eyebrows were down. Her eyes were blank and her complete body language was tired. Beaten down. She’d given up.
“What was he to you?” Janel said breaking the silence.
“What do you mean?”
“If you were just his meal ticket then what was he to you?”
Melody was taken aback. She’d never really thought about it. What was he to me? The question swirled around in her head as if it were being mixed in a blender. The more she thought about it she slowly began to smile.
When she was lonely he would provide company. When she wanted someone to talk to he would be there to listen. When she needed a shoulder he would offer. When she was exhausted he’d let her rest. When she needed a laugh he would tell a joke. When she needed something very minor he was always there. Her answer was simple and the very reason why she was so blind.
She perked up and looked Janel in her eyes. “He was my court jester,” Melody said erupting into laughter.
Janel laughed too. “Girl you are crazy!” she said through chuckles. “Straight crazy.”

Monday, December 3, 2012

Missing You

The sunlight shown through the curtain cascading its way up the bed and right into my face. I opened my eyes staring into his beautiful face. There was no denying it. I love this man. More than life itself. I continued to stare at him noticing that his leg was lying on top of mine. This man was so sensitive. This man. His freshly shave head, perfect nose, light brown body and gorgeous juicy lips. I couldn’t help it. I leaned in and kissed him. He woke with a smile.
“Hey baby,” I said in the sexiest voice possible.
“Hey”
I laid my head on his chest as he turned over on his back and wrapped his great big muscle arms around me. I can’t believe how safe and comfortable I feel in his arms. He kissed the top of my head, wild hair from the night before, and squeezed me tighter. This man.
“Danielle,” he said.
“Yes baby,” I said back.
“Danielle,” he said again.
I rose from his chest and looked at him.
“What Baby?”
“Danielle.”
I opened my eyes to my reality. My sister was standing in front of my bed fully dressed, looking down at me.
“Girl you better get up if you want to be to work on time,” she said.
“Darn,” I whispered with a sigh.
I dragged my butt out of bed thinking about the dream wishing it was a reality. Ashlynn was in the bathroom doing her hair in her normal old lawyer bun. I stumbled behind her turning on the curling iron and taking the wrap off my head.
“What time are you off work?” Ashlynn asked.
“I dreamed about him again,” I said ignoring her question.
She dropped her arms and looked at me with those pity eyes through the mirror. “Girl, you need to let him go.”
“I can’t help who I dream about.”
“True, but what you dream about is what you’re feeling subconsciously. It’s been too long for you to still feel this way. Richard has been dead for 2 years. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”
I didn’t say anything. I knew she was right. Too much of my life has been spent dreaming and wishing. Wanting things to be different but how do you forget the one you lost? The one you promised to love forever. The one life that made you feel complete when you were with them.
I grabbed the comb and began to comb through the black puff on my head. My mind did nothing but race back to the time when he and I never strayed from each other. We’d been married for years but it only seemed like months. He called everyday at the same time to check on me and see how my day was going. It would make me smile to see his number. Everything he did made me smile. The last time I spoke to him he was just leaving work. I was getting ready because we had a dinner date, but it kept getting later and later. He’d never done anything like this before.
I called his phone but there was no answer. I became extremely worried not knowing what to expect or what to do. Two hours later my phone rang. It was the call I’ll never forget.
There was a terrible accident on the interstate. A car had collided with a semi truck. Both of the drivers died. I had to go to the hospital and claim the body. I prayed and prayed the entire drive to the hospital, hoping that it wasn’t him. It couldn’t be. Not my Richard.
A nurse met me at the doors and walked me to a window. They already had the person covered up in a crisp white sheet. It still had the creases in it from being folded.
I looked at the doctor and nodded as tears began to swell up in my eyes. I was crying before I was even sure it was him. I guess my soul knew. I was standing there waiting to see the face of a man that I wasn’t sure was my husband, but it’d felt as if a part of me was dead. As if I’d lost half myself; so I guess in a way my soul did know.
As the doctor pulled back the sheet it felt as if I’d stepped out of myself and I was watching me watch the doctor pull back the sheet. I watched myself as the face was revealed and my entire body went limp. I watched as I crumbled to the floor unable to feel my legs. I watched as cries beyond pain, beyond hurt, beyond understanding shot out of me as an emotion I wasn’t sure of how to express. Questions flooded my head. Reality seemed unmatched and unattainable. Assurance was gone and anything that made sense no longer existed.
This was my love. This was my soul mate. He was a being who didn’t deserve this. He and I were us but with him gone I’m just I now.
The smell of burning grease on the curling iron brought me back to reality. I shook my head as my eyes focused on the one starring in the mirror. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to hurt. One day you’ll be happy, but deal with this feeling first. I repeat these words daily. They help me get through the days when all I can think about is how much I miss you.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

2 Short Poems: Displaying My Love for God

To Be Loved By You:
     I don't know where I would be without you. I tell myself I don't deserve you. Your love consumes me and makes me want to please you and no matter how bad I've treated you--
-When I cursed you
-When I cheated spending time with you
-When I even tried to go on without you
     You still remain unchanged and love me for who I am.
Nothing like the love of God.

Stop Playing Yourself:
     You wish upon a star for something you want most
     You wish upon an eyelash for something you can boast
     A flick of a coin in a pond for something you hold dear
     And don't step on the crack or a visit to the chiropractor for your mother will be near

     Good luck should be yours if you gather little trinkets
     And don't split that pole or let a black cat walk in front of you, you may think it
     Forward that text message and that email
     Its a crazy thought but yet you do it without fail

     You put faith in it.
     You drag in hope.
     You put your heart in it.
     A positive outcome will be yours you know...

     Well...STOP!

     The best positive outcome is God!
     The one who can give it all is God!
     The one who can provide simply because He wants to?
     The one who can provide simply because He loves you?
     
     GOD!!

     No false hope.
     No broken promises.
     Just His word.
     Which can be relied on!!

     Love.
     Mercy.
     Forgiveness.
     Grace.