I was an unwanted child. My mother told me to my face. I was the youngest of four children, the results after a shattered marriage, a one-night stand and a broken promise. I knew more hate as a four year old than I thought anyone should ever know. It’s hard to figure wanting love from someone who looks at you with more hate and frustration than they would an animal.
Pleasing my mother was inconceivable but I always did what she told me and did it to my best ability. At six-years-old I was doing the cooking and cleaning. I made the beds, picked up the rooms, and scrubbed the house to keep it as clean as possible. Mother did not approve of anything on her sandy brown carpet and dust was a definite cause for a whipping.
We lived in a small, three bedroom, ranch style home. Mother got her own room. My two brothers shared a room and my older sister got her own room complete with toys and plenty of clothes. I got the living room couch and a small closet off the end of the hall by the bathroom. Only one time did I question my mother on why I couldn’t share the room with Leah, just to meet with the back of her hand across my face. She didn’t have an explanation. She just said that I was ungrateful.
On weekends, my siblings would go with their father and get ice cream and toys. He invited me one time, but Mother wouldn’t let me go. “She’s not your daughter and you don’t need to treat her like she is,” she said to him. I smiled when he rolled his eyes and waved her off. I thought of him as a very strong man. He was the only person in the world who could soften my mother. Make her weak. I liked him.
These weekends were the days that Mother seemed a bit nicer to me. Not too much nicer but she never yelled. I didn’t understand this. Still don’t. I just enjoyed it. The weekend after my 8th birthday, she asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her. I was so excited. The feeling was short lived when she told me that it was for Leah, Trenton, and Alex. She told me I could have Leah’s old clothes.
“I don’t want Leah’s old clothes. I want new clothes too,” I whined.
Before I realized my mistake she snatched me up by my arm so fast. The squeeze from her grip made my skin burn but the look she gave me made me fear her more than the devil.
“Fine!” she snapped. “I’ll give away Leah’s clothes to the neighbor girl and you won’t get anything,” she said as she pushed me away from her as hard as she could.
I lost my balance and fell hard on my butt knocking my head into an end table leg. I blacked out for just a moment, but when I came to, she was gone. I got up as quick as I could only to be met by a dizzy feeling which made me crumble back down to the floor. I crawled on my hands and knees to the door searching in the driveway for the car but I only managed to pass out once again.
When I woke up again, there was a strange man looking over me. He was handsome. His eyebrows were low on his forehead and very well defined. His eyes were dark brown and wide kind of like mine. He had small freckles on his light brown skin and a nice smile. No one ever smiled at me like he did. I instantly thought it was God and I felt the biggest since of relief. “You finally came for me,” I heard myself say.
“Yes I did,” he said back.
“What took you so long?”
He chuckled, “I think she’s going to be okay, Janet.”
My eyes opened wider. Janet? Why was my momma in heaven? I immediately sat up as straight as I could without feeling as if I was going to pass out. I realized I was only on the couch still in my house. Mom sat on the arm rest by my feet and the stranger sat on the couch next to me.
“Whoa. Calm down pumpkin. Where are you going?”
“Nowhere. I don’t think.”
“How did you hit your heard?” he asked.
I looked at mom and then quickly back to him. “Umm, I was…”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Who are you?” I said to the stranger.
He smiled again, “I’m someone who has wanted to meet you for the last eight years.”
I looked at him still waiting for an answer. I didn’t understand his round about way of telling me who he was. I needed a name or a place of familiarity. I needed something to grasp. He must have noticed my discontent with his answer and said, “I’m your dad.”
My mind said whoa but the rest of me was frozen solid. I didn’t know how to respond to that; how to respond to him.
“Well aren’t you going to say something?” he said giving me a little poke on my side. It tickled.
“Umm, what do you want?”
His smile faded away and he cleared his throat. “Uh, well,” he looked back at my mom and then back to me. “I want you to come live with me.”
I looked at my mom as she was unmoved by his request.
“My wife and I want you to come live with us,” he corrected himself.
Still she remained unaffected as if she was hoping I’d say yes.
“What’s your wife’s name?” I asked. The question was completely irrelevant, but I wanted to know if her name was pretty. Prettier than my mom’s.
“Uh, Paris,” Dad said.
“Oh,” I responded. It wasn’t prettier but it was definitely more elegant. It flowed off the tongue when you said it, “Paris,” I repeated.
“So what do you say sweetheart?
Just as I went to answer, Mom walked away wrapping her hands around her neck as if suddenly feeling distraught. She does want me. I thought.
“Thanks for the offer, sir, but I have to stay here.”
I looked at mother and seen her shoulders slump. I didn’t know if it was because she was relieved or disappointed. I told myself it was because she was relieved. She wouldn’t want me to go. She loves me.
My dad looked at me confused and searched my face for sarcasm. “Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m sure.” I put my feet on the floor and walked over towards Mom. “Mom, can I go outside and play?”
“Yes, you may.”
I left out the front door, down the porch steps and hid on the other side of the porch. I wanted to hear if they were going to talk about me.
“Are you sure she should be running around already?” I heard my father say.
“I told you she wouldn’t leave me. She loves me,” my mother said completely ignoring his concern.
“As a child should,” my father responded. “But she needs to know her daddy too. It’s not fair that the other children get to spend time with their father and she doesn’t have one in her life.”
“You left!” my mother yelled.
“You didn’t want me and now my own daughter doesn’t want me.”
“I’m not going to discuss this with you, Parker. Stop bringing up the past every time I see you.”
“If I ever say anything about the past it’s because you lie about it. Forget it. Forget it all, but I will have my daughter. It’s not like you want her anyway. You just use her to get back at me. I love that kid and for eight years I have wanted nothing more than to be a part of her life. What if I hadn’t come? Who knows what would have happened to her and where were you? How did she get hurt anyway? Huh? What kind of person—”
“I don’t need you judging me. I do the best I can with all my children. I was gone. I don’t know how the child hurt herself.”
“You shouldn’t have left her, Janet. Mark my words, woman, I will have my child. She belongs with me.”
“It’s her decision, but she’ll always choose me.”
I heard footsteps walking towards the door. Just then the screen flung open and he walked onto the porch and down the steps. I watched as he got into his car, a shiny black Cadillac, and drove off.
“Chloe!” my mother yelled.
I immediately perk up from my hiding spot and ran back inside the house.
“Yes, ma’am,” I said as I entered the house.
“Sit your behind on that couch,” she snapped.
Back to the old Janet, I thought as I did as I was told. I immediately wished I had said yes to the stranger, no matter how weird it may have seemed.
“Now, I’m heading back to the mall. Don’t do anything to knock yourself out this time. I don’t need people calling me in the middle of traffic telling me you’re unconscious. What kind of mother does that make me look like?”
“But it was because you pushed me into the table,” I said feeling strong and brave for some reason.
“Don’t you talk back to me,” she said as she rushed towards me with a raised hand. I was sure she was going to strike, but she didn’t. Instead to put her hand down and said, “Don’t you dare talk back to me ever again!”
This was the part where I was supposed to say ‘yes ma’am’ but I didn’t. I didn’t want to. None of the other children did so I didn’t want to anymore. Things were going to change. For some reason it felt that I had gain some power, but the only way to keep it was if Parker, my dad, wanted me.
Janet grew sick of waiting for my response and snatched up my chin, “Aren’t you suppose to say something.”
“I won’t,” I said.
“You won’t what?”
“I won’t talk back anymore,” I said and snatched my chin away from her grip.
She stood there for a while. Froze. I could feel her trying to make a decision to correct me or to hit me. I didn’t look at her. I just waited to see what the outcome would be. Finally she was walking away and for some reason I got a crazy idea to ask her a fanatical question. “Hey Mom,” I said.
“What!” she snapped.
“Do you think you can give me, Parker’s, um, my dad’s telephone number?”
“Ha!” she laughed. “You should’ve asked him for it while he was here,” she said as she continued out the door.
I had to find some way to get that number. Who knew how long my upper hand would last. Things couldn’t go back to the way they were especially since things were finally looking up.
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